Wednesday, 31 October 2012

Star Wars? Star Drawers!

So it seems that George Lucas has finally decided to sell Lucasfilm to Disney, who are now rumoured to be planning a new Star Wars trilogy in 2015. To celebrate this exciting news, I thought I'd share a passage from Star Drawers, a humorous parody that I scribbled in my younger years.
In this scene, Bert "Oh-Begone" Knevil and Nuke Flyswatter visit a bar in Mos Angeles spaceport. There, they meet the roguish Hank Slowmo and the faithful Choochoo, with "hilarious results"… *sigh*

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“I’m impressed.” nodded Oh-Begone, “But what I really need is a fast ship.”
“That’s lucky, Grandpa...” Slowmo leaned back in his chair, “because what I really need is someone who really needs a fast ship.”
“You don’t say.” noted Oh-Begone, patiently.
“Oh but I do.” Slowmo leaned forward conspiratorially, “What’s the cargo, old timer?”
“Myself and the boy, these two droids...” Oh-Begone leaned forward, equally conspiratorially, “And no questions asked!”
“Who are you on the run from?” whispered Slowmo.
“I said, no questions asked!” replied Oh-Begone, “Let’s just say we’d prefer to avoid any run-ins with the Establishment!”
Slowmo nodded sagely. “We’d prefer to avoid any run-ins with the Establishment.” he repeated correctly, “But that’s gonna cost you some serious dough.”
“Dough?” frowned Nuke, “Damn! I only have money!”
“Don’t worry about him, he grew up on a farm.” Bert muttered, “How much are we talking about?”
“Well, I’ve got fuel costs to think about, take-off fees, landing fees, reasonable wear and tear, sales tax, postage and
packing...” Slowmo shot a sideways glance at Choochoo, “I couldn’t take on the job for less than... fifty?”
“Fifty?!” Nuke exclaimed, “Fifty?!”
“Yes, fifty.” repeated Slowmo clearly.
“Why, we could buy a thriving small business for fifty!” Nuke blustered.
“I think he meant fifty thousand.” Bert explained.
“What?!” Nuke gasped, “Why, we could buy a thriving large business for fifty thousand!”
“I meant fifty million, old timer.” Slowmo clarified.
What?!!” Nuke gasped again, “Why, we could...”
“We’ll take it.” Oh-Begone interrupted, “Mr Slowmo, how do you feel about payment on arrival at our destination?”
“That all depends.” Slowmo shrugged, “How do you feel about Choochoo taking you out back and...” he whispered something to the old man.
“You shall have your money within the hour!” Bert stated decisively, “Come Nuke, we have things to sell!”
Slowmo watched them go, then turned to Choochoo.
“Fifty million!” he grinned, “Those guys must really be desperate, or surprisingly bad with figures... hey, this is great - I’ll finally be able to buy mother that operation she’s been needing.”
Choochoo made a guttural sound and shook his head wearily.
“She’d turn in her grave if she heard you say that!” Hank scowled, “Anyway, you run along and get the ship ready... I’ll wait here in this bar full of bounty hunters and debt collectors and quietly consider the enormous price on my head.”

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